Kokoro wo fukinukeru sora no iro kaoru kaze...

Ahh

I miss heeeeem
Why must sleepovers only occur on some nights :/

So looking forward to a future full of sleepy cuddling with Mr. Muffin

I love you!

I love sleeping on the bed you gave me with your pillow and the blankie you gave me last christmas. If only we were cuddling tonight! I miss you so much. I want the best for you! You deserve to be so so happy. My darling angel. I hope your hard work rewards you soon :) i love belonging to you. Knowing that I can make you happy and keep you satisfied and interested in me motivates me so much to be all that i can be… not just to impress you, but for myself as well. Every time we meet, we smile and hug and kiss. It’s so great. I’m still just as in love with you as when we first met :)

Love isn’t just something that goes away. After all this time we still hold each other’s hearts…

Dylan, youre so different than anyone I’ve ever met. Not perfect but a personality I’m perplexed by… there are so many things i constantly want to say to you. I wish i could just be the blood running through your veins. You make me feel so many emotions at the same time… not all of them are good but i would take whatever you want to give me, tender or violent… What does that even mean? Why am I so into you? The feeling of belonging to you is so… satisfying… it literally keeps me up at night, still, with butterflies. And we’re not even technically together but i think we both know that i belong to you. I have for a very long time… for the brief period of time we werent talking i honestly felt different. Like, a different person almost… but i don’t really think that person was any more “alex” than this one is…. i feel like I’ll always just end up learning something new every time shit goes south, and then we’ll end up where we started again. It’s almost inevitable. It happens every time. But Im just as amazed by you right now as i was the night we met. How? You’re just a guy! How can these chemical reactions that go off in my brain every time i think of you still make my eyes water and my heart flutter? It must mean something. Im not asking you for answers cuz i know you have none… but don’t you agree it’s crazy?
I feel like i need something to motivate me. Some goal or dream for the future. Every day i just get high to occupy me and distract me and i feel time slipping away. My perception on reality feels so loose. I go about my day but you’re always on my mind, it’s like i can feel your ki haha… its the only constant thing. You always grab my attention… I’m captivated by you. I just want to run away with you because even tho we’ve been at points where we hate eachother & wanna kill each other, we always end up back inside of each other… its like yin and yang, two poles attracting, dark and light… i dont even know. Its a natural phenomenon that happens literally every day. We’re just victims of fate, we keep rolling back into eachother with the currents… but your arms just feel so right.
You feel so right! you’re the only person i feel like i could be okay being stuck with forever…. are you following me? I just want to go with what comes naturally…
Promise me if the world ends next week you’ll take me in as part of your apocalypse plan . Is basically what I’m saying…

Update on my fucked up love life

So, after assuming I’d never see him again, I hooked up with a couple new guys. Having a good time, being single, seeing girlfriends, having mad cuddlebuddies, not giving a fuck, yk. Something I have rarely experienced, but am enjoying!

Then he starts talking to me again, i tried to resist but why should i? He admits he’s no happier without me.
He wants me back but he doesnt want to hurt me again… The only reason I stopped being his babygirl is because he made me stop. But after a few weeks away from me, he misses me. He calls me sweet names, says he’s so sorry he couldn’t protect me from himself :/… i told him if he wants to make me his again i’d do it in a heartbeat. But he says he doesn’t want to stop me from going out and having fun (I am really happy being single honestly)

Well I’ve been messing around and playing the game and although it may be fun, it is risky. I’d rather just belong to you, but you aren’t ready yet. You say you can’t protect me yet… i believe you. But i hope some day you can. Till then I’ll be here, to hold, to listen and to fuck. I’ll respect you and keep you safe from any worries by using protection if i decide to stray…. but just the suggestion of your leash around my neck again is so sweet… im excited for you to get help so you can have a clear head and focus on being happy for you… then maybe someday we can really know what it means to make each other happy. :)

I’ll say one more thing before we never talk again. Then I promise you we’ll never speak if that’s what you want

You probably won’t even read this…
I’m genuinely sorry that for the last time I wasn’t able/willing to give you the space you’re so desperate for. I thought that three weeks of us barely talking would be enough. And I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for you anymore. I wanted to talk to you last night and I went to your place because I just wanted to tell you what my feelings toward you were, try to get some answers, and leave.

You know I wasn’t trying to attack you or anything. I just wanted to talk. Sorry I started crying but that’s no excuse to slap me or choke me.

I’m also really sorry that I ever covered for you in the past. All the bruises I covered up for you… you know just because I told Joe and Anthony you smacked me a couple times, no one knows about the punching or the choking or how you ripped out my hair or anything. Countless times I chose to forgive you… and you call your fucking parents on me because you couldn’t handle me trying to talk to you? I know I’m crazy but you know not all that mess was made by me. It’s not like you never put a hole in my wall (which you refused to pay for so I’m not paying for any “property damage” until you can do the same for me). I can’t believe you chose to bring your parents into the situation when I never once told anyone you hit me. I bailed you out of jail for assaulting my mom. I always took your side because I truly believed you were a good guy… and this is how you repay me?

Well I realize now you were right, I’m too good for you. If you’re gonna tell everyone about how “crazy I am” for acting irrationally once, then I’ll go ahead and tell everyone about all the times you abused me. I have pictures too, if this is gonna end up a legal thing. I really hope it doesn’t. I understand that we won’t be talking for a while, that’s fine. You will never be satisfied with the good things you have so I’m done being played with and taken for granted. By getting your parents involved you betrayed me for the last time.

I’m just gonna disappear and forget I love you, now. Maybe some day, a long time from now we can be friends again. I promise not to tell about what you did to me, if you don’t make me out to be the bad guy… cuz you know I never was.

Dylan and I are no longer in a relationship.

The “boyfriend girlfriend” kind, at least. We agreed we still would be “special friends” and I just really hope i can be strong enough to show him that I can be happy and successful on my own (I know I can be I’ve done it before but I don’t like being alone) and I can be emotionally stable and he’ll want me again.

He always still wants me. He even told me he’s still in love with me.

I’m just done crying.