Kokoro wo fukinukeru sora no iro kaoru kaze...

Can I have some advice?

So. I don’t trust anyone. Neither does my s/o Dylan. I often need reassurance. I get anxiety attacks where i feel like i literally cant stop myself and all i want to do is self-harm. Its horrible. I hate it… but I’m in therapy for my issues. He WAS but decided to stop. Anyway thats just a little backstory.

So we basically know most of the same people. A text came up on his phone from a girl named “Angelica”. I definitely don’t know an Angelica, but it’s not like its a big deal if his buddy texted him. I just asked, “who’s angelica?” As calmly and politely as possible. I definitely did not want a conflict, just hoping for a straight, factual answer and that’s it. Instead he replied,
“No one.”
I persisted because, well… I have anxiety a lot. I panic and always fear the worst. I don’t trust ANYONE because everyone has hurt me. EVERYONE including Dyl. But we can’t choose who we love. Anyway. I believe he’s never cheated on me before but he has gone clubbing behind my back, snuck over his ex-hookups house at night (behind my back) to go “talk to her” cuz “she needed someone to talk to”, and he spent the night with a stripper he used to work with but allegedly didn’t sleep with her, he just gave her a ride home and it was too late for him to go back to his parents house (later than 2 am he can’t come back). These incidents were all in the first year we dated…. it’s been almost 2 years since then. He’s grown up A LOT and doesn’t act like a boy for the most part he is what I would consider a man.

But i think a mature man would look back on his track record and see why I’m so mistrusting, and respect my feelings enough to answer me. He refused.

After I asked a couple times and kept getting the response “no one”, I dropped it. But, later on, he started teasing me about having other boyfriends, and it reminded me of this girl. I was like “oh, i have other boyfriends but you can’t even tell me who angelica is?” He said she was a friend of a friend, but thats extremely vague. Why can’t he just tell me how he knows her? Thats all i wanna know. I didn’t accuse him of cheating. Im just so panicked. he just kept answering “she’s no one”. He was like “im probably never gonna see her or talk to her again.” What does that even mean? Who IS she? I’m so paranoid. But i was respectful the whole time. I hate fighting. I hate anxiety. I hate conflict. Why couldnt he just understand that i was desperate for closure?

Anyway, it ended in him telling me to go fuck myself. And that i ruined the day we had. He’s still ignoring me. What. The fuck. Do i do? My heart is beating out of my chest.

Dear Dylan,

You know I love you so much, angel. Looking into your chocolatey-caramel eyes (with a peanut-butter cup in the middle ;) ) warms up my heart every time. Your beautiful smile never fails to crack one across my face, as well.
Your kind, soft voice calms me down like no other can. Your gentle nature and friendliness towards others amazes me, sometimes. Every time you hold your hand out to me, I feel a magnet in my own hand react, and fly to meet yours. Being near you, in your arms or just in your presence, is so therapeutic to me… and when I’m not, I’m so lost. You’re always on my mind.
You get so stressed out over money, like so many working class people these days. But you have so much potential and I know, in time you’ll be a success. Keep working hard every day, I’ll always be there to support you.
You know I wait so eagerly for you to come home to me after work, ready to feed you or rub your shoulders or just listen to you talk about your day. I revere you, Dylan. I have no idea why a such an astonishingly beautiful man would be satisfied sticking with an average girl like me, but I won’t ask why you adore… I’m just so happy to call you mine. I hope we have many more mornings like we did today, waking up in eachother’s arms; giggling, kissing and talking. It’s so much fun being your girlfriend, and my favorite job is taking care of you.

Dear Dylan,

You can screw me over, move out without telling me, go clubbing without me, do crazy drugs with all your sketchy friends, lie to me, and hurt me over and over again. I’m still stuck. Smitten. Hopelessly in love. I’m all yours, baby. And I always will be, because you mean the world to me.